The Analogy of a Spouse and a House

By:  Donna Martin

A few months ago we purchased a house.  We had been looking for a house for over a year.  We had a list of “must haves” and it had been difficult to find a house that had all of the things on our list.  Our lease was almost up, and we were trying to stay calm as time was running out to find the house that was the perfect one for us.

Unexpectedly, one day as we were looking, we drove by a house with a for sale sign in the yard.  We had not seen this particular house in our online search.  We called our realtor and set a time to tour the house. 

When we arrived at the house for the showing the first thing that caught my eye when we stepped into the front door were the beautiful engineered hardwood floors.  That had not been one of the “must have” items on our list, but they were an unexpected surprise.  The house had been “staged” so all the furniture, the pictures on the wall, the decorations fit together to make the house pleasing to the eye.

As we drove away, I said to Mike, “Well, I “love” the house, but I don’t really “love, love” the house.”

Now what did that really mean? Well, the “staging” had done what it was supposed to do.  It made us overlook things that were missing from the house that were on our “must have” list. It also made the house appear better than it really was.

A few weeks later, after we had won the bid on the house, we went back to begin deciding what needed to be done before we moved into the house!  The staging had all been removed and the house was bare.  What a surprise!  We began to notice all the flaws that we had missed during all our previous visits.  The staging had done its job well and had drawn our eyes away from many things that were going to have to be touched up, repaired, and replaced.  We did not realize what a “fixer upper” we had bought.

As I was working at the house one day, I thought of how my house situation reminded me of some people who are searching for a spouse.  Often people who are longing to get married start out with their list of “must haves”.  Many of these “must haves” are very good qualities, even though a few may be a little unrealistic.  As time goes by, some people begin to panic thinking they will never find someone with all those great qualities, so little by little, the “must have” list gets smaller and they “settle” for someone who might not be the best mate.  Even though deep inside they know they are making a wrong choice, these people just want to be married.  They overlook the little flaws and the irritating habits of a potential spouse.  They convince themselves that this person is the best person for them. They believe that they can change the person into the person of their dreams.  Little do they realize that trying to change a spouse into someone they are not will only lead to years of heartache and conflict.

Another scenario of singles searching for love is that they often look only at the physical qualities of a person.  Just like the “staging” of our house covered a lot of flaws, these people are attracted to good looks or fit bodies and overlook all other habits, flaws and personality traits that would be warning signs that this is not the right person to marry.

As you are searching for a spouse you should know that “fixer uppers” should only apply to your house not your spouse.  Only God can change a person.  So if something about the person you are dating annoys you remember, if you marry that person you will continue to be annoyed for the rest of your life.

The Martins are available to present “Happy Together” Marriage Enrichment Events for churches and organizations.  To schedule an event call Michael at 940-735-1515. They are certified “Prepare/Enrich” Facilitators and are available to work with couples on an individual basis using the “Prepare/Enrich Assessment.”  They publish a weekly “Happy Together” Blog about family and marriage issues.  You can order copies of their new books Dancing With Death and 366 Tidbits We Have Learned in 14,610 Days of Marriage, read, and subscribe to their “Happy Together” Blog by logging onto the Martin’s website at www.happytogethermarriages.com